My Introduction to Mental Health
I’ve decided to write a blog about lessons learned in mental health, and been informed I ought to provide some context to them. To explain why I’m doing it and offer the credentials of a mental case. I’d rather not but I suppose those credentials lend credibility so, here they are.
I’ve had the exciting experience of one suffering varying forms of mental unrest. I’ve had panic attacks about not being able to finish my food or my pint at the pub. About what ungodly thing I could do with the unconsumed contents to escape without anyone knowing. I’ve had anxiety attacks about wearing the wrong articles of clothing, or about the nature of our spinning planet (making me tremendously dizzy and wonder why the sky doesn’t blow away). I’ve had panic attacks whilst attending anxiety management classes. Yoga classes. Creative writing classes in which I was meant to share my piece about being anxious, but didn’t because oh lord was I anxious.
I’ve had depression about anxiety and anxiety about depression.
I’ve had periods of not being able to leave the house but feeling no better for the imagined security of indoors. And I have had periods where I wondered if I lived in the States with overwhelmingly easy access to a gun whether I’d still be suffering such issues.
My first real awareness of mental health came about when I got my first panic attacks at eighteen. I think I probably had a couple before then but put them down to being too high. Ironically, things got much more out of hand when I quit smoking the green stuff. It was as though my body went into shock when faced with continuous sobriety. Like I had finally put on prescription glasses and realised everything had an edge.
I was working in an off-licence and had a panic attack that almost made me poop my pants, getting my first run in with a fear of death or fainting. Unable to fulfil my very important sales-assisting duties (as a wine retailer oblivious to the difference between a merlot and a Sauvignon blanc, except I could pronounce the first one), I sort of quit and was simultaneously fired.
From then on I began my long journey into a greater exploration of mental health than I perhaps would have liked or chosen.
I learned about panic attacks. It did not help me believe that I wasn’t going to die or pass out when I had them. I learned about general anxiety. Depression. Agoraphobia. I avoided learning about schizophrenia like the plague after watching A Beautiful Mind and believing if I thought about it too much I could catch it.
My list of things I feared lengthened and lengthened.
Largely, you could say my issues are based in anxiety, but I’ve certainly had my share of lows as a result. And I’ve danced along the edges of OCD, psychosis, and suicide.
At first I didn’t tell anyone about my anxiety really, and not nearly the full extent of it when I did. Sooner or later I was put in positions where I had no choice but to talk about it, however. This was a blessing in disguise, and an important piece of advice I’d give to anyone suffering any form of mental illness: talk to someone. Talk to as many people as you feel you can, people that you trust. Talk to your GP. It’s a lot harder to get out of the cycles mental illness throws us into when we keep it to ourselves. A hell of a lot harder to take steps towards improvement.
Many years later, here I am still a few screws short of a ladder. I have learned a thing or two, however. Often begrudgingly but nevertheless. And I’ve decided to write about mental health because they say write what you know. Well, I know a boatload more about mental health than anything else I guess, though that may not be saying much. And if I can shortcut anyone to an idea of well-being improvement that took me bloody ages to come to, my struggles will seem more worthwhile.
Also it’s obviously cathartic for me to exercise self-involved blabbering and call it being productive.
So here goes.
And as far as introductions to mental health go, I’d say get yours sooner rather than later, if you haven’t already. It’s a long, uncomfortable path discovering things about mental health that can help you someday, so no sense in delay!
Get stuck in. Have you got issues? Look into them. Talk about them. Don’t beat yourself up for having them and don’t wait about for your life to throw you unexplained curve balls all the time. Don’t wait around for things to fix themselves either. It’s 2020, you’re allowed to be insane. It’s good to be insane. Probably.
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So that’s it. I’ve started writing up all the things I know and am going to share them with anyone that cares to be enlightened, anyone that might find them relevant or useful (I’m generous like that). Mostly, they will be more light-hearted than this particular entry. I would apologise but I think that’s one of those things you’re not supposed to do — apologise for your mental health or talking honestly or whatever. Be your own windkeeper and all that. But regardless, I do usually prefer to keep things light-ish.
Then every now and again, out of the blue, I’ll hit you with some grade-A personal trauma that you just didn’t need. Boom. Right to the face.
Just kidding.
Or am I?
Guess we’ll find out…
